New Year’s Eve is coming up next week, so I thought I’d share with you why I will be going to bed early and hopefully seamlessly transition into the new year without noticing.
Last year I was stacking shelves in Sainsburys at night and working for their cold heartless corporation was making me suicidal. So I was looking forward to going out my university friends for new years. Later everyone dropped out except me and one other, but it was still on.
I met my friend at his house on new years and we met up with his a group of his friends. Not only is being with a group of people i don’t know my worst nightmare, as I suffer from social anxiety, but working a demeaning job had been slowly chiseling away at the tiny amount of self-esteem i had left. The result was that i could barely say a word.
What a disaster. There was only one solution to make this an amazing night and that was excessive alcohol and drugs. I must’ve drank a litre bottle of vodka. Someone brought weed and for around an hour i was at a perfect high of talking to people and joking around. Then we left for the club, where the alcohol really started kicking in and i started losing control of my limbs.
Not content with my how drunk i was i purchased some ecstasy to perk myself up a bit. I took a large dose before entering the club and hid the rest in my sock.
Now I have no recollection of what the club looked like inside but i can recall some of the events that transpired. I pushed in front of a queue of people who were getting their faces painted. There was an argument, which i could barely articulate due to the loss of control over my mouth muscles. I eventually left and found somewhere to sit down so i could take the rest of that ecstasy.
I couldn’t find it in my sock. I took my shoes and socks in the attempt to find it. Then the security and the owner, a 70 year old hippy woman, came over to me and told me they received a complaint that i had been sexually harassing and assaulting the staff. I put my shoes and socks back on and followed them outside where i intended to sort out the confusion.
It was only 11pm and I hadn’t even been in there for an hour. Anyway, they wouldn’t let me back in, because they said i was a ‘pervert’ and a ‘creep’. I waited outside all night for my mate because i was staying at his. Oh and it was pouring with rain all night. i was soaked.
On the night-bus back to his it got worse (luckily not for me this time). As the bus pulled away i lost my balance and hit some poor black girl in the face. Gave her a nose bleed.
In the morning the stomach cramps started, probably because of the mixture of my IBS and gross consumption of vodka. I went to the toilet, where a new year’s hemorrhoid popped out and a smell that cannot be comprehended by the human mind. I heard my friend’s Dad (whom it was the only time i’ve had met) come up the stairs and outside the door i hear “What the fuck?!” then a gagging noise. 5 minutes later i hear him return and start spraying air freshener outside the door.
I never worked for Sainsburys again but 2014 didn’t really get much better to be honest.
So here’s to 2015.
How To Do Social Anxiety 