There are two possible reasons someone lacks assertiveness. One is that you are so depressed and your self esteem so low you can’t possibly risk letting someone down for fear of your already weak ego being attacked. Believe me I’ve been through this. But I’m going to talk about the other type, where you cannot control your emotions.
I’ve been off my anti-depressants for 2 months now and amazingly i’m less depressed, however, I am fucking fuming at everything and am having some seriously violent thoughts. I am currently sitting slouched on the sofa (my default position), listening in on my Essex born Mum and Aunt talking about right wing politics, regurgitating whatever they’ve read in the Daily Mail over the years. My blood is boiling with some of the idiotic things they are saying.
Now I have a choice:
1. I could say something and completely lose my cool, begin shouting, unable to put my point across without tripping over every other word I say, making me more frustrated and more angry. Start sweating profusely, shaking and potentially breaking something. (Aggression)
2. Or I could put a blank look on my face, play dumb and not say anything. (Passiveness)
3. The best thing to do is obviously to say something and speak assertively. But when one has great difficulty in controlling their own emotions this is not an option at the time. (Assertiveness)
This is the spectrum of assertiveness. And if you are socially anxious I’d imagine you tend towards passivity like myself.
I have a thick filter on my mind that extracts anything i might say that may be conceived as controversial, which leaves me with almost nothing to say.
Is there anything that can be done about it?
Yes, kill yourself…
Just joking. Seriously, these emotions stem from unhappiness. At the time of an aggressive situation there isn’t much you can do, just get through it the best you can. If passiveness will get you through it then that is fine, if shouting ‘fuck you’ then running off works then thats fine too.
An all round lifestyle change is the only thing you can really do. Stop watching the news. Start meditating. Exercise. Go travelling. And read my post on why tribes don’t suffer from anxiety or depression for more information and ideas.
Laterz!
How To Do Social Anxiety 